Blog Life

Project BMG – The Road to There: Loss of Self

August 10, 2016

First I want to say Thank You to Roberta for allowing me to be a guest today on her amazing blog.  It is truly a wonderful thing that you’re doing here, Roberta, helping us all grow together as a blog family and I look forward to meeting wonderful new friends here. 

I originally posted this in February of 2016, just having started my blog.  It is one of my favorite posts because I think I was raw and exposed, freshly hatched and opening myself up to the world.  It was such a foreign feeling – scary and liberating at the same time.  It’s also a message that is near and dear to me and one that I have to remember and remind myself of daily, as my personality is to immerse myself into everything I do.  All in or not at all.  Losing yourself is easy to do when you’re trying to be what everyone needs you to be.  I hope you will visit me at The Road to There and share in my journey of finding myself, my passions, and my purpose in this gift of life.

 

Well I’ve been afraid of changing ’cause I’ve built my life around you…~Stevie Nicks

Have you ever had a chance, forced or through reflection, to take a step back from yourself and ask if you literally have built your life, your essence of ‘self’ around one person or persons? Maybe your parents, a spouse, or even your children… Wonder…does your state of mind depend on theirs?  Hmmm, and what about your job? Do you think your job defines you? You may not think so on the surface, that’s ridiculous, but you might be surprised.

I know I certainly was. Because I did both. You think I would have learned my lesson the first round…

Flash 2009, greatest financial collapse since the Great Depression. Yes my family were very much in the trenches with the lot of millions of other poor souls. My husband and I both lost our jobs. Never saw it coming. What I also never saw coming was the total loss of identity I would experience because I was no longer a ‘XYZ employee’. Yes, I was forced to realize that I had built up my self-worth, who I was, my identity, was all wrapped up into what I did for a living.  And since I no longer had that, I was lost and despondent for a while. I vowed then and there that I would never let that happen to me again. Never would I become what I did for a living. And I’ve kept that promise.

Now flash late 2013.  My marriage being pushed to edge of a cliff that only dropped into an abyss.  Little did I realize we’d been on that ridge since the beginning of time… I asked myself so many times, what could I have done differently, why am I not enough, what’s wrong with me, why doesn’t he love me, why, why, why.  Oh how I tore myself apart that year, pushing, grappling, clawing my way away from that cliff for us. Then something really funny happened to me… I stopped fighting. I literally stood up, dusted off the dirt, walked to the edge of the cliff, said a big fuck you, and jumped. That’s the point that I realized my entire self, my happiness, my worthiness, hell even my mood, depended on my husband. And the moment I realized that, I chose to stop. Right that instant. And I was free…liberated, the weight gone. I was flying and had no doubt I would land on my two feet when I got to the bottom and I would be ok.  It never was an abyss, I only thought it was because life without him was (I thought) a void of nothing.  Funny thing when you jump by the way… when you think you just left what you thought you wanted behind, you land exactly where you always wanted to be and should have been all along.

What’s relevant is the jump.

Those two situations changed everything for me, especially the latter. My entire axis shifted forever, as many traumatic life events tend to do to people.  My goal for sharing this with you is my absolute hope that you will not wait for trauma to occur in your life before you shift your own axis. What defines your ‘self’ is NOT how you earn your paycheck and is NOT the reflection you see when you look into another’s eyes.

I think that’s why I am where I am today, looking for my purpose and my passion. Because I am looking in only my own mirror to define who I am. For the first time in my life.

This time I ask a question I don’t want you to answer to me; I don’t matter. What matters is you. 

Can you truly say to yourself that you define yourself through your eyes only? Not your boss, not your parents, not your friends, not your spouse, not even your children. You are your first love, never forget it. 

 

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10 Comments

  • Reply pawan35 August 10, 2016 at 11:37 am

    A wonderful lady write her wonderful journey….. A place you will find as if you, yourself are in or have been once you let her words penetrate deep into you.
    Thanks to Roberta firstly for her wonderful idea which lets us meet other bloggers and see we are such a beautiful family and I am happy and grateful to be part of your alls loving family….

    • Reply Amanda August 10, 2016 at 11:47 am

      What an amazing compliment! I have no words to describe how deeply touched I am by your words; thank you just doesn’t seem enough. But still, thank you so so much! I am so grateful to Roberta for allowing me to share.

      • Reply pawan35 August 10, 2016 at 11:50 am

        That is so sweet and kind of you for saying so much….. Well words can and will never be enough to say the real feelings but as human beings we need them, hmmm for the cause of ego, I guess…. Yes Roberta we all are grateful to… I have been reading your journey and it is full of so much teachings and lessons to be learned on the journey.. Thank you… Be blessed…. Keep smiling and keep going.

  • Reply Vivek Vatsal1 August 10, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    Awesome post !!!👍

  • Reply emotionsoflife2016 August 10, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    Phenomenal post.

  • Reply Toni Pike August 10, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Dear Roberta, I have nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. Participation is optional. You can read about it here: https://tonipike.com/2016/08/10/one-lovely-blog-award/

  • Reply Roberta Pimentel August 10, 2016 at 3:11 pm

    Amazing post Amanda! Thanks for being a part on my project!
    Cheers!

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